Happy Pseudo-Birthday, Harper!

I can't believe Harper is almost a two-month-old. She'll be eight weeks tomorrow, which is insane to me.

Crazier, still, is that today--May 22nd--was supposed to be my "due date."

I can hardly fathom that my baby girl is only a few days shy of two months, but it also seems so strange to think that, merely eight weeks ago, I didn't know her. I bonded with her while she was in utero, of course, and I'd like to think that I knew her well before she was born, but in truth, I had no idea what that little face would look like--the face that I'll never forget for the rest of my life.

And although I can still remember what life was like before Harper arrived, I'm not sure I remember what it was like not to know her. Does that make sense?

We have come such a long way over the past eight weeks. Harper was born weighing only 3 lbs. 10 oz. During her first week of life in the NICU, she plummeted to 3 lbs. 3.3 oz., ate exclusively out of a feeding tube placed down her throat, had an IV in her heel, and sported "aviators" to combat the bilirubin lights used to improve her jaundice.

By the time of her discharge six weeks later, she weighed 6 lbs. 2.3 oz.--nearly double what she weighed at her lowest point.

We don't know what she weighs at the moment (we don't believe in scales here at our house, particularly post-pregnancy!), but she was 6 lbs. 10 oz. at her first doctor's appointment last Thursday. And she's been porking up ever since she got home! She now has a nice double chin, chubby cheeks, and is starting to get those "rolls" typical of most babies!

I'm so proud of my little fighter. Just look at how far she's come in the past eight weeks...

Week One:
Week Two:
Week Three:
Week Four:
Week Five:
Week Six:
Week Seven:
Week Eight:

Thoughts of a First-time Mother On Baby's First Night Home

She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.... Will I ever sleep again?... I can't believe she sucked down that bottle so fast!... BURP, HARPER, BURP! PLLLEEEAAASSSE!... Is she wet? Dirty? I need to check, but I don't want to wake her up.... Hahaha. She looks just like Jeff when she's asleep.... Note to self: Call the pediatrician tomorrow to schedule an appointment for later this week.... Why is your diaper leaking, Harps? We put it on right, didn't we?!... New diaper. New gown. New receiving blanket. Good to go.... This is sooo fun!... What's the matter, Harperoni? You're not wet, you're not dirty, you're not hungry. What else could be wrong?... Go back to sleep, Bitterman.... Should I try to get her to eat more, or is she good?... God, please let me be good at this. I want so badly to be good at this.... I have a husband, a house, and a child. I think I am officially an adult now.... EXPLOSIVE DIAPER ALERT!... Jeez! How could something so tiny create this much poop?!... Look at her stretch out those arms and legs! Wow!... OK, Harper, let's not wake up Daddy.... Dude, tomorrow Daddy will go to work and we'll be on our own. Oh, God, I'm a little scared!... Oh, Harper, please go back to sleep. We were up an hour ago!... Did I shake up the formula? It's 4:00 A.M. I can't remember.... Hi, Harper, I'm your mom--as surreal as that is.... How could you have been the one kicking me all those months?!... I wonder what she's thinking right now.... C'mon, Harper, wake up. Let's finish our bottle.... And there goes half the bottle...on my shirt. Awesome.... Clearly I'm going to be doing at least one load of baby laundry per day.... Is she warm enough? Cool enough?... Wow. No one is ever coming to get her, huh?... Isn't she beautiful? Everything about her is so perfect.... I'm a mommy. Unbelievable.... SERIOUSLY, WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN?!... This is only a window of time.... I love you so much, Harper. So, so much.

A Letter to My Daughter on Mother's Day

Dear Harper,

Today is my first Mother's Day, and although you're not home with me right now, I'm crediting you for making this the best day I can remember.

I'm also crediting you for teaching your mom ten very important things in the past nine months:

1. God is a genius. I didn't realize just how smart He is until you started growing inside me; then it became quite clear. There is no other way to explain the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth than by grand design.
2. I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone as much as I love you.
3. I look at you and can't believe I am responsible for creating something so blatantly perfect. How could I, with all my faults, make something so wonderful?
4. Your daddy is going to be an amazing father. And he already adores you more than I ever could have expected or imagined.
5. Your dad & I have an incredible marriage. We are capable of handling a lot, and the reason is that we have each other.
6. Your grandmother loves me in a way that no one else ever could. It is a pure, primal, selfless, compassionate, unconditional love that could never end despite my actions or age, and only now am I beginning to fully understand it.
7. Things don't always work out the way we expect, but God knows what He is doing, even when we don't.
8. The world seemed much safer before you arrived. I realize now that everytime your grandparents worried about me or told me to "be careful," it's because they saw me as completely vulnerable in a big, scary world and because they would do absolutely ANYTHING to prevent me from getting hurt.
9. I realize that someday you will be old enough to be your own person, hold your own opinions, and make your own decisions, but I will forever struggle with the concept that you are not "mine" and that I will one day have to let you go.
10. Although it's seemingly light years away, that day will come too soon.

Thanks, my girl, for making my first Mother's Day so special. I love you so, so much!

Love,
Mom

Cesarean Advice

A girl I know from middle and high school delivered her first child--a girl--via C-section this morning. She'd planned for a regular vaginal birth, but for some reason her doctor changed things at the last minute, and since she knew that I'd recently had one, she e-mailed me and asked for some advice about what to expect with her C. She had a fairly difficult time during her third trimester, so I wanted to make sure I put some time and thought into my reply to her. And since that's exactly what I ultimately did, I thought I'd post my reply here in my blog.

All of this stuff is so fresh in my mind now, but I KNOW I will have forgotten most of it by the time we're ready to do this again (which won't be for at least another four years, I assure you). So this is really a "just in case" post: Just in case anyone ever asks me for cesarean advice again, I'll be able to refer them to this link, and just in case I need to be reminded of this stuff a few years down the road, well, then it's all here...

ABOUT THE EPIDURAL

I promise the epidural does not hurt that bad when it's being administered. It really doesn't. It stings a little, but if you're anything like me, then it won't be anywhere close to as bad as you'd built it up to be. It can, however, leave quite a bruise in the middle of your back (mine was about the size of a golf ball at first), so you can probably expect to be a pretty tender at your epidural site during the first couple weeks, particularly in the first few days. (It's not a stabbing acute pain or anything like that; it's just sore in the same way a bruise is, and the fact that it's right in the middle of your back--what you lie down upon--makes it more inconvenient.)

ABOUT THE CATHETER

After they do the epidural, they'll insert your catheter. I was incredibly worried about this and thought it would hurt, but by the time they do it, you won't be able to feel it at all. They do a couple other things to prep you for surgery (vitals, one of those finger clamp things to measure the oxygen in your blood, nothing worth mentioning), and then they get started. If you read my previous entry, you know what I think about the actual procedure...

After 24 hours, they'll take your catheter out. It doesn't hurt at all to have it removed. What's weird is that it does a number on your bladder, so you kinda have to retrain yourself how to pee. It's not like you can't control your bladder or anything like that; you just probably won't be able to go more than a little trickle at a time. It's weird.

ABOUT THE PROCEDURE

The whole thing takes about an hour from the time they wheel you in to the time you're all sewn and stapled back up again. I don't even remember being wheeled back out, and although I remember bits and pieces from the 24 hours following my surgery, I have no sense of time. (I can't distinguish between people I saw two hours after the surgery vs. people I saw the next afternoon.) So expect to be pretty groggy for the 24 hours following your C.

ABOUT THE FIRST 24 HOURS

The worst part of the entire experience will be roughly 12 hours after your surgery. Your Labor & Delivery nurse will come in and check to make sure your uterus is starting to decrease in size. She'll do this by pressing on your tummy (up by your belly button). ASK FOR PAIN MEDICINE BEFORE SHE DOES THIS. It's the most painful part of the entire experience. They'll continue to do periodic checks of your uterus by pressing on your tummy, but none of those hurt nearly as bad as that first one.

The first time you have to get up and go to the bathroom, don't freak out if you look down and see an input cup full of blood mixed in with your urine. You'll bleed a little bit (about the same as you would during the first couple days of your period) throughout your stay in the hospital, but nothing like the first time you get up to use the restroom.

I am not going to lie and say that C-section recovery is easy, because it's not. As they will tell you over and over again in the hospital, you are having "major abdominal surgery," and after it's over you will completely understand why they say that. The first two days are REALLY tough. You will need someone to help you with almost everything, including getting up and walking to the bathroom. Within 24 hours after your surgery, you should be able to stand up (if only for a few seconds and while holding onto something), and within 48 hours, you should be able to walk short distances (very, very slowly like an old woman, but still!). Don't be surprised if walking down the hall completely wipes you out. Recovery from a cesarean is a really slow process, so it's all about doing things in baby steps.

DURING YOUR HOSPITAL STAY

Just a couple of weird things that you need to be prepared for during the three or four days you're in the hospital... First off, while it's a little embarrassing and gross, if you're not comfortable "tooting" in front of your husband and mother (or anyone else who may be there for an extended period of time), you need to get that way real fast! During a C-section, air gets kinda "trapped" inside your body; your digestive track is also really sluggish and slow due to pregnancy, so you'll have more gas on your tummy than usual. The nurses will give you medicine to help it come out, so don't be surprised if you sound like a college frat boy in the hospital! (And although it's the antithesis of feminine, you really shouldn't hold it in. You literally feel better almost INSTANTLY every time you pass gas, so just prepare your husband and whoever else is going to be there with you and don't look back!)

Also, sneezing, coughing, and laughing are not so fun in the first few days. They don't really hurt; they just feel weird as a result of having to use your inner abdominal muscles while they're still healing. It's kind'of a sensation like your insides are going to fall out on the floor (even though obviously they won't!). Holding your tummy whenever you sneeze, cough, or laugh really hard helps a lot.

ABOUT YOUR STAPLES

Before you leave the hospital, they'll take out your staples. I worried about this the entire time I was in the hospital, even though everyone assured me it wouldn't hurt at all. DO NOT worry about this! I PROMISE it does not hurt in the least. You can barely even feel it. After taking out your staples, the doctor will put little butterfly bandages across your incision. You'll take them off yourself (if they don't fall off themselves) after about 10 days.

ABOUT THE FIRST NIGHT AT HOME

The first night home is pretty tough. It's not so much that your incision or insides hurt; it's that the muscles you've been using to compensate for your out-of-commission abdominal muscles are not used to working so hard and thus are tired and sore and won't relax. Your brain kinda won't let you relax either. Jeff & I called it "mental pain." I remember crying to Jeff that I was hurting, but after talking it out with him, I realized that lying there in bed nothing really physically hurt; I just had the sensation that someone was going to run in and hit me in the tummy right where my incision was, and it made me panic. If you ever go through this, just stay calm and try to talk some rational sense into yourself (e.g., no one is going to come in and do anything to your tummy, etc.).

ABOUT AT-HOME RECOVERY

I can't tell you how long it takes to fully recover, because I haven't fully recovered yet (and it will have been six weeks since my surgery by tomorrow evening). Like I said, it's a very slow, baby steps process. The first four weeks are obviously the toughest; you just get a little bit better and a little bit closer to back to normal each and every week. Baby yourself a lot, and don't expect to do ANYTHING else except take care of yourself and the baby during your first week. If your mom or mother-in-law is able to come and stay with you, I would totally take her up on the offer. It's REALLY important for you to get some rest in your first two weeks following delivery--and especially after having surgery, because your body heals itself during sleep.

You'll bleed less and less the longer you're home, but even I am continuing to spot every now and then. Your doctor will probably go over all of the dos and don'ts with you, but the basic don'ts are:

• No lifting anything over 10 lbs. for the first six weeks
• No tampons or sex for the first six weeks
  
• No baths for the first two weeks (showers are fine, but baths aren't until your incision heals up a little bit more)
• No swimming pools or hot tubs for the first six weeks
• No ab exercises for the first eight weeks

Oh, and try not to get too frustrated with the way you look following your delivery. Particularly with a C-section, your uterus needs at least six weeks to shrink to its normal size, and even then, you'll have a little bit of a tummy hanging over your incision. Again, it's all baby steps!

THINGS YOU'LL NEED WHEN YOU COME HOME...

• A "sheet rope." Have your husband create something you can use to pull yourself up to a sitting position when you're lying down in bed. Assuming he will not want you to wake him up every time you need to go to the bathroom or tend to the baby, you'll need some way to hoist yourself up to a sitting position when you're lying down because you won't be strong enough to sit up on your own during your first few nights at home. (It's easy in the hospital because they have those cool adjustable beds that tilt up and down, but once you get home, you're on your own!) Jeff tied a bunch of sheets together and put one end beneath our footboard and the other up by my head. It was like a big rope. Worked wonders during those first few nights at home.
• Pillows. During your first few nights, you need all the pillows you can get for propping. I was surrounded by pillows during my first few nights at home. They made a HUGE difference in my comfort level.
• Granny panties. Assuming you don't wear Granny panties normally, you will want to get at least six pairs of high-cut, natural-waist panties in a much bigger size than you normally wear. Otherwise, you will come home and try to put on your regular underwear and they will hit you directly across your incision. Not comfy. I'm still wearing my Grannies and plan to continue until my incision is 100% healed.
• High-waist pants. If you're like me, practically all of your pants are low-rise, which means they will hit you directly across your incision, and in the beginning, you will be much too sensitive for this. Wearing pants that rub up against my incision STILL isn't comfortable for me, so even if you're not quite as much of a baby as I am, I can guarantee that your normal pants won't feel good in the first two weeks. My advice is to go to Academy and get some sweat pants, scrub pants, etc. in a much bigger size than you normally wear so that you can wear them up above your belly button (like an old woman). It may not be the most attractive look, but I promise you will thank me for this.
• Ocean Spray Cran-Grape Juice. It's gross, I know, but after you've had a C-section, it's really, really hard to go to the bathroom (like, #2). You can't use your ab muscles to bear down and push things out the way you normally would. This stuff is a natural stool softener, so two glasses of this stuff a day not only keeps you from getting constipated (something you REALLY want to avoid with a cesarean), it also make it a lot easier to go when you've gotta go.
  
• Maxi pads. You may already have some of these around your house, but I didn't. Stock up on maxi pads and pantyliners to protect yourself from bleeding after delivery for about three or so weeks (possibly more).
  
• Hydrogen peroxide. My doctor said to keep my incision clean and dry. I'm too big of a baby to touch my incision and wash it with soap, so here's what I do to make sure it stays clean: After I take a shower, I pat it dry. I get back in the shower with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a mirror, lean back a little, and, using the mirror to see what I'm doing, let the hydrogen peroxide spill down my incision. It bubbles out any infection or dirty areas of the incision. Then I just pat dry with Kleenex. It's a great, pain-free way to keep your incision clean.
• Tylenol. Seems obvious, but make sure you have a great big bottle of it nearby. You will be going through Tylenol like nobody's business! :-)

ABOVE ALL ELSE...

The best advice I can give you is to lean on your husband for support. Guys will show a strength that you didn't know they had when you lean on them in this type of situation. If you expect them to be hands-on and help, they will rise to the occasion. Or at least mine did.

Mine was wonderful. He didn't mind when I woke him up like nine times to help me to the bathroom on my second night in the hospital. He applied pantyliners when I was too sore to bend down and pulled up underwear when I was too weak to do it on my own. He insisted that I was beautiful when I know I looked absolutely horrendous, and he always waited for me to put on my make-up and brush my hair before we went to see Harper because he knew it would make me feel better. When a nurse was so mean to me that I literally cried--and cried hard--he WENT OFF on the charge nurse and demanded that she assign someone else to be responsible for my care. He made things funny and fun at a time when I really needed them to be; although initially painful, difficult, and upsetting, the task of pumping breastmilk actually became a little entertaining once he insisted that we start betting on which breast would "win." He comforted me when I cried and assured me that everything was going to be OK when I wasn't so sure. He was my strength throughout the entire thing, and I'll never forget it.

Lean on yours this way. You'll come out not knowing how you could've possibly done it without him.